Thursday, 9 June 2011

A church bound by ties that hurt

Bound & GaggedImage by Meredith_Farmer via Flickr
My Dear Bishop

I can only apologies profusely for the manner in which you were treated last week at St Hilda’s.  I only heard about it today on my return from holiday and I was aghast.  I have read your letter and I fully agree with everything that you say there, the situation was indeed appalling and should never have been allowed to happen.  Rest assured that I will be taking the necessary steps to ensure that this sort of thing never happens again and I will also be reprimanding all those involved in this dreadful sequence of events, at least those who are under our jurisdiction and who can be found.

I am absolutely certain that our popularity throughout the diocese is assured and not in question whatsoever; I believe the perpetrators of the events that night were from another diocese altogether, and who knows, maybe a different province.  I agree that things were said that should not have been said and that there will need to be a good deal of fence mending.

May I set before you my thoughts having already made urgent enquiries concerning this debacle?  I believe that a group of young drunken agitators fooled the local parishioners at St Hilda’s gagged and tied up the real diocesan clergy who were due to be present at the evening’s installation service.  I believe that they then stripped the clergy and using their robes dressed up as our own diocesan clergy in order to gain entrance to the service.

Only this explanation works, for the shouts of ‘hypocrite’ and ‘two-faced bastard’ are hardly the words that real clergy would utter in public.

It is inconceivable that any of the church’s clergy would assault you and Adam in such a way.  I know them all personally and believe them to be meek and mild and usually very compliant in everything you tell them to do.  I do believe that some clergy, abroad I believe, can be uppity and obnoxious, rather ill mannered and intemperate.  It may have been they who did these dreadful things, or at least they who may have bribed local louts to do the whole thing.  The visiting North American delegates, currently on a friendly exchange with our neighbouring diocese, they could be behind it all.  Yes I believe they are indeed the true culprits.

Either way I cannot think that the clergy we have these days would do such a thing.

I do believe that the churchwarden’s might be in on this skulduggery.  If I may be candid.  Firstly, they were very impertinent about you telling them that their preferred candidate for the parish would not be suitable.  The younger warden did suggest in her letter that you might be prejudiced against Robert because he was openly Gay.  I recall having to visit her small house and drinking some herb tea concoction whilst listening to her going on and on about it all.  It was tedious and frankly boring but necessary I suppose.

We realise that Robert was a very popular young man and indeed he was very efficient and worked tirelessly, he did also turn the parish fianc├ęs around but I believe that you were quite right not to make him incumbent.  It required, as you said yourself, a better educated man to fill the post.

In Cedric we had a very safe pair of hands, but I am very sorry about the way it turned out for him that night.  I hear that it is doubtful that he will ever set foot in the diocese ever again.

Suffice to say that a full enquiry is underway and soon the matter will be closed as you indicated in your phone message.

Myrtle and I are looking forward to you both visiting at our home next week.  Do you still hear from Felicity at all?

Kindest regards,

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